u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
