I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
whose parrot is this?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
