I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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