I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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