He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
