NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
