right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
