And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
