i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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