She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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