my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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