OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
