I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
