I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
