how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
