i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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