i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
