My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
