I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
