i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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