I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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