we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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