I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
