Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Do vagina's smell?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
how does that bad decision feel?
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