Kiss
Puke
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
