She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
