Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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