My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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