So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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