You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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