i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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