In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
