I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
