I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
