Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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