The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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