I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
my liver is dry heaving
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
