I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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