I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
whose ass print is on the piano?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
