the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just blew my weed a kiss
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
