I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
