Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
