I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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