Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
