She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
