I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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