I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize