Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
