I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
