Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
