Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
