the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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