Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
