I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
