I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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