It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize